IN DEFENCE OF CHEST WAXING

So, our Finance Minister Michael NOonan got his chest waxed and made us pay for it! It was only €50 for God’s sake and you’d all be complaining if the Germans were laughing at our stubbly government, now wouldn’t you? The problem is only that having done the chest, he stopped! Does the clinic not do an arse wax? Apparently they do, but with the IMF cutbacks, smooth man boobs are more important than speaking clearly! Now I don’t pretend to imagine Nicolas Sarkozy waxing his chest; I presume he does not. However, always on the lookout for ways to help our politicians to scrub-up, I had a few tips for other cabinet members. Number one is their ties. Nothing wrong with ties per say, and some of them are really nice, but these men are scruffy wearers. Have you noticed how the opposition pull the knot of their tie to the side, reflecting their political leaning at any given time. A nice touch, while they wait to get their heads into the money trough. EDna and his mates, however lack tie class! They all wear them too long, a small knot pulled high above the widest part of the tie, which is used simply as an erection cover. It may just be a curse of being in government, as opposition members tend to be interviewed in close-up, but Ministers are obliged to be seen full-length. I am only suggesting that a longer jacket may be more flattering?

Another irritant that the Ministers fall into is shaving. James ReILLy should claim for some proper treatment. He is spending money like an undertaker on commission, yet he distances himself from the razor! I for one have no wish to slip the blade over his aorta, impossible to find under all that chin and hair! Far from it, a clean shave may get him looking like a doctor again, rather than the last hobo leaving the drying-out clinic. While we are doing facial hair, the money must also available for Ruairí QuInn’s eyebrows! He could surely double up with NOonan when discussing third level funding and enjoy some professional tweezing! Now that I am on a role, can we also stop Alan SHATter’s perms? It is just that it makes him look like a busker! I have never heard him singing, so he could be rather good. However, in these austerity times can the IMF really accept us having a double jobbing Justice Minister? Who is already a double jobbing Defence Minister! Has there been a triple jobbing Blue Shirt before? I am just thinking out loud, but would a uniform help everyone? No, no nothing blue of course; we are all on the same side now; all scoffing from the same trough. No more talk now of Irish Fascists cheering General Franco through rivers of Spanish blood; all back slapping, expense claim form compatriots now. I just feel that a little extra business for the Big Boys Shop would help everyone in Goatstown. They have been finding it hard since the four Marys took their pensions.

While we are discussing the politicians’ clothes sizes, we should address portion sizes in the Dáil bar. This is not me having a go at their drinking. No, those come in set measurements and enough video clips are publically available to show that their drinking in no way reduces the standard of their work. Some might state that it is a helpful influence on productivity, but I wonder if serving the 33g packet of Tayto instead of the 55g bag may not help with the strain on the suspensions in our Ministers’ limos. Apparently, some of the drivers are grumbling about crumbs everywhere! Now, our leader EDna Kenny has a hair problem as well; more of a medical obsession if the truth be told. What cupboard dwelling BerTIE spent on make-up, Edna is spending on shampoo, conditioner, moose, styling wax, highlighting jells and combs, brushes and irons. I accept that he has to spend his expenses on something, or he might lose them! Sorry, just lightening the mood for a moment. A little light-headed after hearing that President Mary McAllese returned to the State half a million in unused allowances! However, doesn’t Edna’s hair obsession create his Alchemise Heel? Any opponent with a hand held fan or a water spray can now ruin any Taoiseach photo call opportunity.

I have deliberately avoided commenting on the ladies of the Dáil, and who can blame me! Joan BRUTon has her own unique style, which repeals any possible criticism. My limited fashion vocabulary is insufficient to allow me to comment. I will only dare to suggest that they may think positively about a female uniform too. Maybe one for the chamber and another for the election campaign. They could even consider wearing their own cloths for a casual Friday? Well, that would seem to have passed the time until NOonan’s next visit to the clinic! “Don’t forget Ruairí, Michael!”Image

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